A song for waiting and for going

 (Note: you may want to have the song playing while you read)

“You’re still here?” another acquaintance I run into asks.

“I can’t leave until there’s a visa issued,” I reply with a smile, slightly relieved at having more breathing time between orientation and departure.  In the breathing time, I’ve spent extra time cuddling the dog, going on long walks and enjoying the beautiful Wisconsin fall.

Farther along we’ll know all about it
Farther along we’ll understand why
Cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We’ll understand this, all by and by 

The walks are also time to think about how my life has been tunnel-focused the past couple years as I had my sights on working with a nonprofit like International Justice Mission.  I had given up hope that I would actually work with them after applying multiple times in the past to various positions.  Then, after months and years of hoping, suddenly I’m at orientation in DC, surrounded by the White House, the Capitol, the Lincoln Memorial and the National Cathedral.  Surrounded with 50 newly graduated young people, fresh faced and ready to take on the world.  We’re in the same boat and it’s hard to stabilize my emotions.  The memories of graduating college and moving internationally happened first for me 9 years ago.  Yet at orientation I found myself in a remarkably similar situation—I have memories and experiences to my name, but no special title, fortune or family of my own.  It’s hard not to feel like a has-been who can’t accept her limitations.

Tempted and tried, I wondered why
The good man died, the bad man thrives
And Jesus cries because he loves em’ both
We’re all cast-aways in need of ropes
Hangin’ on by the last threads of our hope
In a house of mirrors full of smoke
Confusing illusions I’ve seen 

But the limitations of myself are reflected in the limitations of the world.  The number of modern-day slaves has risen by 7 million since I started the applications to IJM years ago.  Things are not getting better. Why now?   

Where did I go wrong, I sang along
To every chorus of the song
That the devil wrote like a piper at the gates
Leading mice and men down to their fates
But some will courageously escape
The seductive voice with a heart of faith
While walkin’ that line back home 

Back home.  I had to come back home to make sure my travels weren’t escapes, that I was open to anything.  The confidence I’ve gained working in various workplaces has been invaluable to my personal growth.  The perfect provision of work and community has been a sign to me that I’m listening to the voice of my Maker more than the seductive voice of money, power, and prestige. It’s a fight to seek the path of downward mobility like our Savior who made himself a servant to all.  I’m not judging your path—you know if you are seeking to please yourself or your King.  But my path has been illuminated step-by-step and looking ahead doesn’t make sense… yet farther along I travel.

So much more to life than we’ve been told
It’s full of beauty that will unfold
And shine like you struck gold my wayward son
That deadweight burden weighs a ton
Go down into the river and let it run
And wash away all the things you’ve done
Forgiveness alright

I can live in fear of the future, because honestly, I don’t know where this will all end.  I don’t know if I’ll have a job after this year or where that would be, but there is so much more to life than job security.  There’s so much more to life than trying to find someone who will put a ring on the fourth finger.  And I want to pursue that journey because it leads to heaven.

Still I get hard pressed on every side
Between the rock and a compromise
Like the truth and pack of lies fightin’ for my soul
And I’ve got no place left go
Cause I got changed by what I’ve been shown
More glory than the world has known
Keeps me ramblin’ on 

The rambling path is truly the best one.  It’s easier to become more fearful with each passing year—telling myself I should have this figured out.  But life is in the living of it!  Not the watching movies of others’ epic lives, but living my own epic story.  That’s why I needed to do the bike ride this summer—to prove to myself that I was still adventurous and willing to try hard things.  To not only replay what has happened but to live in the moment and look ahead.

Skipping like a calf loosed from its stall
I’m free to love once and for all
And even when I fall I’ll get back up
For the joy that overflows my cup
Heaven filled me with more than enough
Broke down my levee and my bluff
Let the flood wash me

And one day when the sky rolls back on us
Some rejoice and the others fuss
Cause every knee must bow and tongue confess
That the son of god is forever blessed
His is the kingdom, we’re the guests
So put your voice up to the test
Sing Lord, come soon