look ahead

I've been going to a few high school graduation parties lately.  Today was the fifth in a month and it feels like a lot.  The funny thing is I didn't love high school and I'm so glad that I can look at my life with confidence saying that those were not the best years of my life and there is so much to anticipate.  I can't believe it was ten years ago I had my own party--so curious about what the future would have for me.  I'm still in that place in a lot of ways.  There is nothing new under the sun.  I don't know where I'll end up living, who I'll end up marrying, what countries I'll end up seeing and what things I'll end up accomplishing.  I don't know if I'll go back to school for a masters (considering).  I don't know if I'll write that book in my head and heart.  I don't know if I will perfect my languishing German or sing in a choir.

Sometimes this brings me anxiety.  It brought me anxiety ten years ago after all the people left my party and I realized this thing I was so ready to move on from (high school) led to a new, exciting but uncertain place (college in California).  It seemed exciting until I realized that it was really happening and I didn't know anyone at my new school.  The uncertainty is the same but the questions have changed into more adult questions.

However, in my more logical times, I'm able to sit and smile at the uncertainty.  I mean, I love Jesus more now than I did ten years ago and the things I've experienced (O my! If you only knew the stories!)...well, I can say with confidence each year that he's always been faithful to me.  Even in the darkness, he was there.  In my current questions, I know he is with me and loves me and wants good, not evil, all the days of my life.

So, as much a reminder to myself as anyone (after all, what is this blog but a published self-reflection), I say, "wait on the Lord.  Oh my soul, wait with joyful anticipation."